When “child-driven” leaves you stalled out
This post is hard to write, but I promised to talk about the flip-side of my child-led homeschooled childhood. My mom had the very best of intentions, as do almost all families who homeschool, but she didn’t do everything perfectly. The main complaint I have now, looking back, is that my parents didn’t spend much time or energy (and probably there was money involved too) putting together educational opportunities for me that I hadn’t thought of myself. We were “child-driven”, but at times I think my co-pilots were just too busy with their own stuff to pay attention to where we were driving. I’ve talked about this with my mom, and she says that yes, she would get busy with other projects or “life” and leave us to our own devices. That’s not a problem for a day or two, but we’re talking about much longer periods of time here (years in the case of my younger siblings after my parents’ divorce left Mom less-than-together).
There are many subjects that we didn’t really learn, because we never became interested and she couldn’t think of a way to make us interested or just make us do it if we weren’t going to do it on our own. For years, I’ve faked my way through discussions of American History, because I stopped doing the workbooks my Mom bought after I’d done the War of 1812, and later I was only interested in the history of Constitutional Law and that’s all I studied in my high school years. I wish my Mom had taken me on some field trips to see historical sites, had me make a timeline, read historical fiction, or at the very least watch some semi-accurate movies and given us a quickie talk about the actual history. I didn’t know where to go on my own, because as a child I had no real roadmap for exploring American history. Nothing popped out at me in my random explorations of library books, and no one stood there to point the way. There are other examples of this in my education, and other subjects that I wish someone had guided me through a bit better.
The other problem we had with being “child-led” is that sometimes we got distracted from good learning by flashy entertainment or other lures in the path of modern childhood. I could have learned so much more if I hadn’t watched so much He-Man and Sheera! Not that I regret watching some of it, but I do regret all the Saturday mornings I watched TV while my parents slept and all the models and projects I wish my Dad would have done with me. Sleeping in, watching TV, playing on the computer, and reading escapist fiction (trashy romance novels, in my case) all sucked time and initiative out of our educational journey. I don’t think I should have been forbidden to do any of them, in moderation. It just would have been nice if my parents had put together something else to do and had invited me to leave those past-times and come join them.
I’m glad I didn’t have a task-master or school-mistress. I know kids who were homeschooled with a very involved Mom and a schedule and a rigid plan, and I didn’t want to be them. But then my family and the other “unschool” families we knew tended to fall into a pattern where our parents were all “living their own lives” and letting us kids do the same, maybe too much. I loved the freedom, but I wouldn’t have minded more involvement from my parents. I would have welcomed an interest in participating in my projects and perhaps expanding them. I would have really welcomed more involvement from my Dad, and I would have just loved it if he had given us a day and said “what would you like me to teach you?”. Not “you can hang out and watch me while I work”, but instead a real lesson in what he knew how to do.
I don’t want to slam anyone who calls themselves an unschooler, but I will not use that technique on my own kids. The reason is that I’ve seen it used, at times, as a nice excuse for not bothering too much with the kids. I wish I’d had more of that school attention from my parents, not less. Of course, the grass is always greener on the other side, and I’m sure I’d be able to find something to complain about no matter how I’d been educated. There would also be gaps in my education, no matter what had been done. You can always look back and say “I wish X had happened”. Overall, my childhood and education were wonderful (see Times I Loved Being Homeschooled). But I want to provide more direction and involvement to my own kids. I plan projects for them, but I try to walk the line and let them have a lot of involvement in the planning. I set limits and expectations, but also offer lots of choices and respect. I will provide a roadmap and a guide, rather than letting my kids just wander randomly through their educations. Some side-trips can certainly happen, and I’ll even clear the decks so they have time, but then we need to get back onto the main road. Maybe I’ll call it “child-led, Mom-driven” or “cooperative child-parent copiloted”. There’s a nice mouthful! 
I’m so glad you posted about this. You are right about gaps in education…there will always be gaps. I’m a product of the public school system, and I know didn’t learn anything useful about history or science that I remembered past the tests.
My impression of unschooling is that it’s the one style that requires the most involvement and attention from the parent. It seems if it’s done properly, the parent would have to really be on their toes. I’m not motivated enough to unschool all the way, but I wish I were.
Thank you so much for this post. I really do try to make our homeschool “child-led, Mom-driven,” and am often facing criticism from both unschoolers and traditionalists. While I want them to be interested and personally invested, they are still kids and need ME to help them develop good habits and provide the structure. Yet, I’m totally aware that there is SO much flexibility that it can all be done, and still have a wonderful lifestyle.
You rock, my dear!
I don’t know. Your criticism sounds valid, but I am a bit concerned about the “she didn’t do everything perfectly” part. You do realize that you are not doing everything perfectly either, are you? It is impossible to do so.
Again, thanks so much for your writing on this topic. I think it’s one of the most valuable topics for those of us homeschooling for the first time.
I can see your point when you say that at times unschooling seemed like a way for your parents to do their own thing, but I also know of many unschoolers who consistently do the child-led/parent-driven thing, and they do it well.
Our homeschooling plan involves a classical education, and I’m very happy with that path, but I can’t help wondering if years down the line my kids will lament having had so much structure. If they’ll say, I wish we hadn’t been so parent-driven? If it’s a case of the grass always being greener? It’s impossible to say for now.
But your post makes me think and reminds me to work harder on balancing the parent-driven history-based plan with the simple joy of the freedom of homeschooling.
Thanks, and keep posting. Your blog is an award-winner in MY mind.
Lena,
I know I’m not doing it perfectly either, and I don’t expect perfection in anything
I am a huge fan of my mom and I give her overall very high “scores” for her homeschooling of me. I’m just looking back at what didn’t go well for the purpose of an honest examination. If all I ever do is praise homeschooling and my own experience, then I’m not being honest about it. Everything has pluses and minuses. As you said, it’s not possible to be perfect.
Thanks learningumbrella (that sounds awkward
), I apologize for sounding a bit harsh. I am a recovering perfectionist so I may have taken that statement a bit too personally. I really appreciate you sharing the ups and downs, I wish there were more stories like yours; they are very important. We usually only hear one side of a homeschooling story – either people are super enthusiastic or they are very negative. Your balanced view is much appreciated. It is also good to read that despite your quite serious criticism, you still have very positive memories of your childhood.
Your childhood sounds a lot like mine – and I was in school
In any case, I agree with you that there is certainly a balance to be made between how involved to be in the driving of children’s lives. No matter where our children are educated.
Nobody has perfect parents, like Lena said. But I agree that looking at what worked for us as kids, and what didn’t, can give us perspective to make our own children’s lives that much better. We’ll never be perfect, but there is always room for improvement.
It’s easy for any parent, perhaps even easier for school kids’ parents, to do their own thing and let their kids do their own. For us, we choose homeschooling/life learning so we could BE with our kids. But we still want them to live their own lives. We also have a whole family approach to learning – when we go to places like museums or whatever, it isn’t for the kids, it’s for everyone. We like it that way, and find that when WE are life learners – not just life doers, but continually learning, we can bring the kids along with us and they get a whole heck of a lot of exposure to things, while still being able to live their own lives. We also find that if we ourselves want to continually learn more about our world, we end up going a lot more places and doing more things than if we were doing these things just to educate the kids.
But then, our kids are little. We’ll see what happens as they grow older.
Thanks for sharing your perspective on this. Very interesting insights to get the brain a-churnin’.
Loved your post — and you got some good replies already, so I don’t wanna be redundant. But, I want to chime in, too!
I got virtually no education in history, either! I went to a Christian school for my entire K-12 education, and it was SO Christian that anything non-Chrisitian wasn’t even glanced at. For instance, when we (in our homeschooling studies) did Greek myths a couple of years ago, it was my FIRST TIME learning them. That’s one reason why a) I’m not particularly pro-Christian schools, and b) why I chose a fairly non-dogmatic, history- and literature-rich curriculum for my kids. I *love* learning all the things I wish I could have learned when I was a kid.
We don’t unschool, but neither do I want to be hyper-scheduled, either. I’m a box-checker by nature, but I don’t want that to sap the joy out of schooling for my kids. So, we have our structured curriculum (Sonlight), but I go at a slower pace, and supplement a LOT according to their interests. And, we never school-school on Fridays — those days are reserved for the library, for nature outings, trips to the park, cleaning at home, etc.
I find that my kids just tend to be lazy. Most kids (or adults, for that matter) just don’t want to be challenged, don’t want to think. So, left to their own devices, my kids would certainly spend their days watching cartoons and lollygagging. So, I have to structure things for them, or they’d never choose to do school. I mean, who wants to learn how to spell when you can be digging outside, or reading Calvin and Hobbes, right? Both of those activities are fun and valuable in their own rights, but my kids would let those sorts of things BE school, if I let them.
That phrase, though, “What would you like me to teach you?” will enter my lexicon (or “phrasicon.” Whatever.). I need to make sure that I’m not just teaching my kids MY interests.
I had to come back and leave a comment here, when I realized I left
a comment on Angela’s blog about reading your blog but didn’t have
time originally to leave one here. (wow, that was long winded!)
I really enjoy hearing your perspective as a former “home schoolie”,
and hope you’ll continue to share your thoughts and experiences with us!
I continue to enjoy reading your perspective as a second generation homeschooler and thanks for the honest discussion about your own experience. I am a product of the public school system and for the most part my memories were quite positive but it was due to being in honors classes where the expectations were higher and the same for college. Now, as a homeschool mom, I want my children to have the tools in which to learn and I find that I often have to learn for the first time or re-learn some things in order to teach them. We have chosen the classical education route with a Christian perspective but I want them to be aware of other perspectives so that their view is not narrow and one-sided. It is my desire to make the classical method our own by allowing for deeper child-led interest studies in areas but also realizing that they are children and need guidance. Thanks again for sharing as I am sure your have encouraged others!
Excellent and thought-provoking post. Thank you so much for sharing. I wasn’t home-schooled but spent two years at a “freedom school” which is why I don’t unschool my daughter – because I know how little learning a child does when left to their own devices. My daughter does learn massive amounts alone, but it’s all focussed on her interests. I see it as my job to broaden her mind.
I came here from Angela’s post and this is a really interesting perspective. I want to say 2 things.
1) I agree that it is important to look at how we were brought up critically so we can keep the good stuff and improve on the stuff we were not so happy with. That doesn’t mean we think our parents made the wrong choices. We can’t know all the things that went into those choices, for one. But rather that we are making choices in a different time and place and with different goals. This post is a great example of how to approach that.
2) on choosing challenge, I started homeschooling because my daughter wasn’t being challenged enough and it was having negative effects on her. She was so used to things being easy she gave up too early on things. She was unhappy and bored. One of the things I have focused on is helping her see how different activities impact how she feels about herself. So when she chooses to just read all day, she ends up irritable. She doesn’t like that. And when she does “productive” things, she is often very happy. I have been having some success with this and she now chooses to do things that many people have to “require” their children to do (top of the list is probably practicing violin every day). She is only 9 and there are plenty of other things, but some of the parent-driven part for me is showing her how to make those choices and why to make those choices, how to try things out, how to be comfortable trying new things, how to push yourself a bit to see if you really do like the challenge. I suspect that isn’t so different from what you do.
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