Cracking a bit
Feb 8th, 2008 by learningumbrella
I feel like I’m on the verge of a mental breakdown, or at least a pretty bad bout of depression. An intense feeling of dissatisfaction with everything around me, paired with a gripping fatigue that just won’t let me do anything about it.
Earlier this week I wasn’t so tired - but I was really really angry. Somehow, I was just pissed at the world, and felt like I’d like to set my house on fire. I’m so tired of washing dishes, only to turn around and have to wash more. I’m tired of laundry, only to do it again. I’m tired of the mud the kids and the dog drag into the house. I’m tired of the fingerprints and paw prints on the windows. I’m tired of putting together art projects that make a big mess I have to clean up. I’m tired of cleaning bathrooms. I’m tired of picking up toys. I’m tired of the constant fight against clutter and the need to sort things and put them away. I’m tired of kids saying “I’m thirsty” or “I’m hungry”. I’m tired of keeping track of our schedule. I’m tired of taking care of my family when they’re sick.
And I’m angry at my family, because I’m so tired of doing all this. I shouldn’t be angry, but I am.
It’s been a long week, with everyone else getting sick (who am I kidding - I got a bit sick too but I don’t get sick days so we just pretend I’m OK). I’ve been up Monday night with a vomiting son, and Wednesday and Thursday nights with a daughter with diarhea. My DH had a fever Wed. night that had him tossing and turning. And we’ve had two windstorms cause problems with the roof that I had to deal with. Tuesday was Hypatia’s birthday. I’m just so tired, and I don’t know what to do to make it better. Experience says time will turn it around, and I’ll be in a better place mentally soon. But right now, I want someone else (like DH) to FIX IT.
But no one else ever fixes anything. That’s the bummer about being an adult woman. I have to fix my problems myself.
Sara, I always think about how you do it all. I know it isn’t possible for you to take a good long break from the work of children. All I can say is I understand a wee bit about the anger although I call it bitterness. I hope time will make you feel better. Go to bed as soon as you can tonight. I always think it is crazy when people say let the cleaning and the dishes wait. A house can become so disgusting in such a short time. That said, disgusting might be necessary. Sleep will make you feel better. Take a Tylenol PM and insist that dh take care of the kids overnight. One or even two nights of deep sleep will make you feel better.
Thanks for sharing this. I feel this way very often and I don’t have extra kids nor dogs in my home. Take care. My thoughts are with you.
DD is begging to look at the photos of your children.
We were just now looking at your photos in Flickr and I was narrating the photos telling dd that you read those books or made that cute felt robot, etc. My dd said “they have a good mommy.” I have to agree!
Oh, man have I been there. Multiple times. I might even be a little there right now– I’ve been snapping at everyone all week.
I wish I could tell you how to make it better, but I can’t. I just know that eventually it does somehow.
If it’s any comfort, what mom hasn’t been there? I think the worst thing you can do is stuff it all in. With everyone being sick this may not be the best time but as soon as they are well, perhaps you can call a little family meeting and work out some options to help take the load off you a bit. Even little kids are capable of chipping in with small chores and take off enough edge to keep you sane. I have to admit the craft stuff makes me looney too. Last year I really weeded ours out and kept it to projects that don’t spread out everywhere so much. All the little trinkets and doo-dads went bye-bye.
We love things like knitting and playing cards. Easy to get out, easy to clean up!
In the meantime maybe some Yogi Detox tea and a strong epsom salts bath by candlelight might help. All the best to you.
Yep, I agree with the other moms, Sara. We’ve all been there, and we’ve all felt that. Being a mom means being in such an imbalanced relationship. Here you have two people (plus your daily extras, and your responsibilities for your sister) to whom you are responsible for nearly Everything. Everything. And they give you cuddles and smiles, but no real help. Most of the time we can coast along on our love and sense of purpose, but sometimes the tide goes out and we are left feeling dry and, yes, often angry or bitter.
Take whatever time you can to regroup yourself, and know that you are not alone, at least emotionally. We’re here for you, and this too shall pass. Everyone can tell how much you love your kids, and that love will slowly bring you back to the happy place where you want to be. Until it does, believe that it’s okay to do the minimum that gets you by. ::hugs::
Oh, I have sooooo been there. What is a little (or a lot) crazy-making is that while the impulse is to pull away, the solution so often comes when I give more. I make sure to connect with the others. I make sure to clean the spot in the house that’s bothering me most. I put on music and dance. That’s not at all what my instincts are telling me to do, so I have to shepherd myself along into it.
I call these feelings “I donwanna be the Mommy, I wanna *have* a Mommy” days. I just want someone else to mother me. Not going to happen, but oh, the dream is sweet!
This is a really common late-winter feeling around here. I tend to try to do something that breaks the routine, something that makes it special. One year we turned up the heat, wore bathing suits, and learned about oceans.
Just remember, “this too shall pass”.
I’m sure all the sick people in the house are not helping this feeling of being burnt out and overworked. You barely get any recognition for the things you do on a normal day, then people get sick and demand more of you. As if it’s just your job to take care of them. And who takes care of you? It sucks.
Sometimes it’s nice to take some time for yourself, like a little vacation. But in the winter, at least for me, it seems like those breaks just make things worse because I still have to go back and do everything I put off earlier. Hang in there. Soon the kids will be making messes outside again
((HUGS))
I’m just getting back from there myself, and doubt I’ll be 100% until spring arrives.
P told DH this weekend “I think she needs a break, lets go play basketball on the porch for a while..you must be getting on her nerves” LOL
A cup of green tea and some gardening books from
the library helped me a bit.
Hugs to you and some warm tea….I am glad that you felt comfy sharing as we have all been there and will be there again one day soon.
Hugs, Sara. I will agree with all of the other ladies. It’s normal, thought certainly not pleasant, and I’ve been there too. It seems to roll around pretty regularly this time of year.
Squeeze in as much tea and extra sleep and self-pampering as you can, then hang in there. If you see the sun peeking out, get out there even if it’s just for ten minutes. Think of spring. I’ll be thinking of you.
Cat