The Learning Umbrella

Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel, LMFT.

That sounds like a pretty silly self-help book, doesn’t it?  The title is a bit humorous, and I found that I didn’t want to read this book in front of people, because it was embarrassing.  However, the book itself is really quite good.  There is the usual self-help irritation of certain sentences pulled out of context and bolded in the center of pages, which makes me wonder if some people flip through these books and just read the bold sentences.  And there are the usual anecdotal stories taken from clinical practice, which I’m sure weren’t really as simple as they’ve become in script.  But if you can ignore that stuff, I found some real thought-provoking and possibly life-changing stuff in here.

The focus of the book is on the parent, not the child.  And that is the beginning of the shift, when you realize that you are not responsible for your children.  You are responsible to them, to provide them with what they need (including you as a calm and loving presence).  But you are not responsible for the choices and mistakes they make.  Mistakes should be welcomed, because when they are paired with natural consequences they are the most powerful learning tool humans have.  We need to give our kids enough space to grow and be themselves, and to make their own mistakes.  “Without space to make their own mistakes, our kids live only borrowed lives” according to the author.  This space also means that we can’t try to control how our kids feel or what they believe.  We can engage them in conversation about these things, and we can set a powerful example for them, but directly trying to interfere in those areas of their own selves is not advised.  They may comply to please us, but it is a false feeling or belief if it does not come from a genuine personal place within themselves.  For this same reason, we should avoid all labeling of our kids, so that they have the space to become whoever they want, and not be locked into roles assigned them by us.  On a more practical level, the author also suggests letting children keep their rooms the way they want, even if that is messy, and spend their allowance the way they want, even if we think they should spend it some other way.  Even if we can see that there will be bad consequences down the line, we should let them make those choices for themselves.  Warn them, certainly, but ultimately let them make their own mistakes.

The flip side of all this giving them space is to claim your own space.  Children can’t take so much space that they take away the freedoms and rights of others (to a quiet environment, to a clean living room, or privacy in the bathroom).  What struck me was the similarity between this and what I’ve gleaned of the idea of avoiding attachment in a Buddhist sense.  I should care about my children, but ultimately they have their own sphere and I have mine.  I am needed to facilitate for them at this age, but I will gradually pull further and further out of their sphere and they will become adults and leave me.  My first focus should be on myself - on remaining calm, being a grown up, taking care of myself, continuing to grow as a person, and respecting myself enough to have reasonable boundaries.  Once I am this whole, healthy, non-reactive and not-anxious person, I will be a much better parent, partner, friend, and community-member.  The author suggests that we don’t focus on our kids’ behavior, but rather on our own part in the family pattern.

He also refers to a model for thinking about love that was first suggested by a French monk, Bernard of Clairvaux.  This model has four levels:

1.  I love me for my benefit.  Think of infants and young children, completely unable to think of any needs outside their own.  Some adults are still like this.

2.  I love you for my benefit.  I love you because it makes me feel good to have you need me, or whatever.  I think this is how I loved people when I was a teen and in my early 20’s.  And sometimes I still fall into this.

3.  I love you for your benefit.  That seems like the ideal, doesn’t it?  To love someone with no thought of yourself, and have it all be about them?  But then you are close to the slippery slope of martyrdom, and in truth you can’t ever take yourself completely out of the relationship equation.

4.  I love me for your benefit.  This one is tricky, but worth thinking about.  If I love myself, how can that benefit others?  Well, they don’t have to put as much effort into caring for me if I’m doing a fabulous job of caring for myself.  And I’ll be a happier, healthier person that would be more fun to be around.  I’ll be less stressed out and reactive, and better prepared to handle a crisis or come to someone’s aid. 

It’s interesting how much our culture tells us we must not be selfish.  And how many things we put into that category!  For a mom, it seems that taking time to exercise and eat right could be selfish, or getting enough sleep, or taking time for yourself.  If you listen to my kids, you’d think I was being really selfish when I go to the bathroom and won’t let them open the door to keep talking to me!  I’ve grown up with this ideal of a totally selfless person, and I’ve wanted to be like that.  But the more I focus on other people and push myself down, the more needy and emotional and weak I become.  I think it’s definitely time to think about myself more, and trust that being a healthier and happier person will be the best thing I can give my family.

A final thought from the book:

And that’s what Screamfree parenting is all about - learning to develop a practice.  It is not about figuring it all out or eliminating your mistakes as a parent.  It is certainly not about developing the right techniques for every situation.  Screamfree parenting is about continuing a path toward integrity.  It is a way of learning to live according to principles, not techniques.  It is a journey of constant learning and growing, refusing to ever believe that you’ve made it or you can’t learn anything else.