The Learning Umbrella

I’ve been in quite the funk for the last month or so.  Basically, I applied for this job that I would love to have.  The kind of work that I would do even if I didn’t get paid, but I’d get paid to do it.  It’s wonderful that this opportunity came up, and I will be thrilled if I get it, but it’s a really long and drawn out process, so I’m living in a “maybe” state for months.  And now that I’ve applied for a different job, I have been feeling less committed and satisfied with my daycare job.  I also added the new baby in, making the work that much more difficult.

It’s hard to feel satisfied by a job that gets very little respect or feedback.  I’m alone most of the day, and I have to keep my cool when they all cry at the same time or things get crazy.  I don’t make very much money, either.  I wasn’t even quite making minimum wage until I added the baby in.  So it’s really hard to feel like this is worth the work, the mess, the crowded house, the legal bothers, etc.

I’ve also been stressed because the other job I’ve applied for is with people I see quite frequently.  It makes me feel like every action I take in that setting is one long drawn out audition - and I have to be perfect in every way.  I know that’s too much pressure to put on myself, and really they’re either going to be happy with what I genuinely am or they won’t.  But I really wish this process was over, and I could just relax. 

It’s all out of my hands at this point.  I’ve done all I needed to do, and now I just have to wait and find out.  My mom, very wisely, advised me to focus on the things I can control right now, and the things that will be constant either way - daycare or the other job.  I’ve taken that advice, and I’m thinking more about kindergarten plans for Carbon and things I want to do around the house.  I’m also putting more of myself back into the daycare and preschool stuff.  Even if I am about to quit, these kids are with me right now.  How can we all have the best possible time of it?  I made a new schedule (somehow, pulling myself out of a funk always ends up involving some kind of grid/table and lots of different colors of pens), with more workshops for the kids.  In addition to “school time” every day, I’m doing another workshop with them also (music, art, science, cooking, movies on Fridays) and giving Carbon two pull-out lessons a week.  I’m also just trying to sit down and play with them more.  It’s kind of working, as I feel more purposeful here and they respond to the additional attention by calming down.  So far this week, I’ve led them in kiddie yoga, had them plant carrots and turnip seeds in the garden, set up and planted a root viewer experiment, gone to the field across the street to all play soccer together, had them build sculptures out of cardboard recycling, baked a fruit custard cake with their help, and taught them “Oats, Peas, Beans, and Barley”.  And we did lots of “school work” and read lots of books together.  It’s better, to focus on the task at hand.  And if it’s worth doing, then it’s worth doing well.